My Grandma

I didn't think I'd be able to write this post so soon, but I  feel inspired today.  My grandmother passed away about two weeks ago, on November 6th.  It has been a long two week! The emotional shock of losing someone so loved is finally going away, but leaves behind an ocean of emotions to cope with. My grandmother was more than just a grandmother, she was the center of our family.  She was my last living grandparent and the one that I was closest too! She took care of me as a child while my mother worked and I got to take care of her in her old age.  

Our relationship was special for me from a very young age.  My grandmother loved to travel, our first trip together was when I was 4! She took me to Mexico with her.  I don't remember it but they tell me that I had a great time.  Our trips continued throughout my childhood, most of which I do have memories of.  I remember our road trips to Mexico with her and my grandpa in his red truck.  I would have a small cot set up on the back camper of the truck and would chat with them from back there.  She took me to Puerto Vallarta several times and we'd get to go wading in the ocean together.  A grandmother spoils her grandchildren and she was no exception.  What I remember most of our vacations was the freedom to be a little girl.  She never said no.  If I wanted to go swimming, she'd take me.  When I was hungry, we'd order some food.   I realize now, her enjoyment was seeing my joy.  Once I was in high school and college our roles reversed.  I still got to go to Mexico with her but now I was the care taker.  I had to administer her medicine and make sure she rested.  I was mindful of what she ate and sometimes had to be the food police and say no to pork tacos or similar indulgences. We had fun though! I was still with her, we got to enjoy our family together, and we created lasting memories that would take a lifetime to describe.  Through the years our vacations to Mexico were less and less because of her health but just last week she was commenting to me how much she would love to go back.  Of course, this is just one of the many loving experiences that have wandered into my mind this week.

When I look back and reflect on her personality I see of  lot of her in me! Definitely our love of traveling but so much more.  She was a strong woman who loved her family.  She loved us unconditionally and showed us the value of family.  Her strong faith came later in life but once she encountered the Lord, her devotion never waivered.  Although there was an age gap, our conversations about God and family seemed like we were old friends.  She was a spiritual guide for me and she always encouraged me to seek out God.

Although this isn't directly wedding related, it is to me. I keep thinking about how I will have a wedding without my grandma? I won't be able to receive her blessing before walking down the aisle, like I'd planned. She won't be there to smile and see me glow on the alter.  I won't be able to run into her arms and share a small special moment with her after the ceremony.  So many potential moments that won't be.  My comfort comes in knowing that although she won't be physically present, she'll be with me in my heart.

What more can I say? I love her.  I will miss her.  And on my wedding day, when I think of her, I'll smile, maybe shed a tiny tear, my heart will swell up with love and, before I leave the church, I'll say a prayer for her.  And for the rest of the day, I will celebrate my beautiful marriage, because that's what she would have wanted.  I will celebrate the way she used to celebrate- surrounded by a ton of family, sharing our laughter and love and having a good time.