I guess if I don't share, I leave you confused. If I do share, I need to open up and give you more information about me than I ever thought I'd share in a blog. In the end, I've decided to share because I think it will do me good to better understand where I was before and where I am now.
It all began with Weddingbee. It is a beautiful, wonderful wedding community made of brides that share their wedding planning experiences. I really wanted to become one of those brides known as a "bee". It is the reason I started this blog, in hopes that I'd apply to become one of their bloggers and that they'd accept me. I can admit now that I became a little obsessed with Weddingbee. I was on it every day and commenting all the time. When you're planning a wedding it is so easy to turn everything into a "me" world, "my" wedding, and what "I" want! It's what happened to me.
The truth is....I lost track for a short bit about what a wedding really is about. A union- a decision to love- a promise before God. I started taking God out of my planning and investing too much time on wedding stuff. It didn't take me long to realize my mistake but it was a lot harder to quite than I thought.
When I realized I was focusing on our wedding too much, for the wrong reasons, I began to pray. I asked that God would help me understand what I should do. I actually asked him to help me find a way to fit blogging into my life. I was trying to convince myself that I could keep my wedding focused on God AND blog about wedding details. But ... He didn't answer those prayers. Right around this time, though something interesting happened with my account on Weddingbee. It didn't allow my comments to show on the blog. So, I would read something, would write a comment, and click send but my comment never showed on the blog site. Other girls had the same problem, but they were able to fix it. I honestly saw it as help, but ignored it a little bit longer.
In February, two things happened on Weddingbee that helped me get over my obsession. One, one of the brides that blogs quit. She admitted to everyone that it was taking away from her life. It was taking too much of her time to write posts and kept her from her priorities in life. After reading it, I was able to admit to myself that while I still wanted to be a Weddingbee writer, I cared about my other priorities more: my fiance, my family, my job, my church group. The second thing that happened was the closure I needed. Someone took the name and avatar that I had wanted to apply for: Miss Lace. Miss Lace's avatar was a beautiful purple lace swatch that was dainty and sweet and elegant. I felt crushed the day I found out but a little relieved. This was the final sign I needed, the answer to my prayers. I was finally able to let go of my Weddingbee craze.
I bet you think I quite Weddingbee, but that is not true. The truth is I still love that website, it really is a great community of brides and I have received a lot of help and advice from the girls there. I have learned it is all about moderation though. I no longer read every post, and I have accepted that I won't be blogging for them. I am grateful that I was able to refocus my attention for our wedding - and I am grateful that I still have a few months to enjoy being engaged without the stress of needing to blog almost daily.
The funniest thing is that the girl that took the name, Miss Lace, lives in Southern California and is a teacher! Not that big a deal, but since I'm from Southern Cali and a teacher too, I really feel like I could just live vicariously through her posts. Ha!
So now you know why I couldn't blog for almost two months. I first had to stop, think, and redefine my purpose for blogging. And now I know - I am not doing it to look good on an application, I am doing it for me! My posts won't be every day or even every week. But I will blog and when I do, I know it's because it's what I need to write about.
I will be writing again, soon!